Equal v. Fair

Years and years ago, when I was but a wee lass knee high to a grasshopper (okay, so I was probably 8 or so), I heard my mom say something I'd never forget. It stuck with me then, and I continue to think about it regularly now because I think it applies to a multitude of things going on in my life, in the media, and in the LDS Church. I don't remember the circumstances surrounding exactly why she said this, but I vaguely think it had something to do with another person who was struggling with a particularly difficult child and a choice they had made that impacted others negatively. Or something like that. Anyway ... Mom told this other person, "I've learned in life that you can't always make things equal with your children, but you can try to make things as fair as possible."

Being young at the time I first heard that, I didn't fully understand what she meant when she said it, but in my mind then I associated equal and fair as the same thing (or similar). In the (many) years since then, I have learned more and more about what Mom meant when she said what she did. For ease of differentiation, I will use the following definitions of equal and fair to (hopefully) explain some things I feel strongly about:

Equal - as great as or the same as
Fair - legitimately sought, pursued, done, given, etc.; proper under the rules
(Definitions from www.dictionary.com)

As an adult I've heard Mom say this same thing to others, and she has related it to her children. Some children need more guidance, instruction, hand-holding, support, help, etc. Other children seem to be very independent, make wise choices without much help from parents, understand the consequences of their actions, etc. There is no way she could treat her children equally when their needs were so clearly different. She could always try, however, to treat them fairly. For example, all five of us kids knew that the consequence of doing something really wrong would result (most likely) in a grounding with privileges taken away. The length of the grounding or the amount of privileges taken away (and the amount of time they were taken away) was based on the severity of our poor choices. At the age of five, it was fair for Mom and Dad to have me write 100 times on a piece of paper, "I will not go anywhere without asking Mom or Dad first" as a consequence for going to a friend's house without telling anyone or leaving a note about where I would be. Yes, I said age five. It was a reasonable and fair type of discipline for what I had done. No need for grounding because the sore hand from writing that much was a reminder about what I should not do. It worked.

Some siblings, however, seemed to get in trouble over and over again by making poor choices or falling prey to peer pressure. The consequences of their decisions was different each time and based on the severity of the thing they had done wrong. If more people were affected the grounding (or whatever punishment/consequence ensued) would be more severe. Because I was nearly eight years younger than the rest of my siblings I don't really remember what things they did to get into trouble, but I do remember watching and learning from their mistakes. I saw the struggles they went through, the consequences they had to pay because of those choices, and I made different decisions in my own life to prevent having the same fate. It doesn't mean I'm better or perfect or whatever else you want to label it. It's simply a matter of me being an observer and realizing the consequences they faced were not things I was willing to go through.

Now, I'd like to tie this into something more Church-related that's been bothering me. There has been a lot of press/media lately about women not having the priesthood and why a small group of LDS members think women should have the priesthood. The main word I have seen is "equal" when people discuss the issue. Things such as, "Women are equal to men" and "Men and women are equals" and "God would want us all to be equal" have come up in the conversation about this particular topic. I don't necessarily agree with those statements. I am a woman, not a man, and I don't want to be a man's equal (see "the same as" in above definition) because I'm different than men. As a woman, I have the opportunity to be a vessel through which God brings children into this world. Man can't do that without me, and I can't do that without man. If we were equal (the same) we would have the same parts, the same desires, the same attributes, the same traits, etc. and it would make for a VERY boring world. Part of what makes me (and you!) so distinctive and valued and important is that we're different from everyone else. Nobody else is equal (the same as) me. I am an individual with traits and characteristics that combine to make me the person I am. And thank heavens for that because I don't know that the world could stand to have two people exactly like me!

As an LDS woman, however, I find that the responsibilities, opportunities, and "mission" given by God to His children, both male and female, are completely fair. If I've been given, as a woman, the charge and responsibility to be a vessel for God's spirit children then I don't want (or need!) the priesthood. Men were given the priesthood (in my opinion - gospel according to me) as a way for God to help them become closer to Him since the woman was already designed, created, and empowered in the creation process. My dad always said that he felt women were naturally closer to God because of their divine right to give birth. Some women might not be able to or never have the opportunity of having children in this life, but we were made/created to do just that. I believe that - and not just because my dad said it. I really and truly feel that women have a connection to God that men can never have, except through the power of the priesthood. How would it be fair to God's children to only give women the opportunity to be near Him? As a God of love and mercy, He provided a way or means whereby men could draw near unto Him in a similar (not the same) way that women already naturally did. This makes sense to my mind, my heart, and my soul. It resonates within me, and I in no way want to be equal to men. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father has chosen to find a fair way to help us all reach our best potentials.

I'm sure others will take offense at that and be bothered by those thoughts. That's okay. We each have to come to our own conclusion about things, and that is the conclusion I have reached with women and the priesthood in the LDS Church. I want things to be fair for men and women (that covers the entire human race), and the only way I can see that happening is by allowing men to have the priesthood so they can draw closer to God and connect with God in ways that women inherently do through the process of creation. (And if you've ever studied the miracle of a baby's conception you know what I'm talking about. Good ol' Human and Family Development classes at college were where I first learned and understood about that process in depth.) Science only adds to what I already feel on the topic. It takes a complete miracle for a baby to be conceived. We think it's just run-of-the-mill, every day happenings because the earth has been so generously populated, but if you really understood the miracle that takes place when a child is conceived it would probably blow your mind. The likelihood of NOT conceiving is far, far greater than conceiving. Because I believe God's hand is in the very minute details of our lives, I also believe that creating a baby does not happen by chance. It is God's way of bringing souls to this earth, and it can only happen with a male and a female parent - one more reason we can't be the same or equal. The earth would have died completely if Adam and Eve had been equal (the same). The world would have stopped dead in its tracks and none of us would be here today.

As another example, if we really want to drag out this equal v. fair fight, I might pose to you a situation where those who have murdered others and are now in jail are, for all intents and purposes, our equals. They are still men and women with the same (equal) rights, but because of their behavior and choices they no longer have freedom. Because they have the same (equal) rights, does that mean we open the prison doors and let them out so they can mingle among the population that hasn't killed? (You might say this is drastic, but hear me out.) Those in this situation are still human, so if we're going to be equal under the law they should have the same (equal) rights as I do, right? Well, I go to work every day, earn a living, and am free to do whatever I please. Some would counter by saying that's because I've never killed anyone and that those who are in prison are there because of their actions. This is my point exactly! We pay the consequences for the things we do because it's the FAIR thing to do; it's not the EQUAL thing to do. Life is not equal, and sometimes life isn't even fair, but the Plan of Happiness that God has provided for each of us is incredibly fair for both genders. It is not equal; it is fair. And it is fair because God is fair and merciful and just.

In conclusion, I realize this doesn't cover every aspect of the thoughts that have been so publicized in the media in the past few years. It doesn't even touch the surface of the topic, but it is a small attempt to help others understand why I, as an LDS woman, do not need or want to hold the priesthood. I want to continue on in my differences and appreciate them for what they are - blessings from a loving Heavenly Father that help bring souls into this world. Granted, I am a never married, single woman, but that makes me no less important. I still hold those same attributes as those who have had children, as do all women who have not had children of their own. I have not, and never will be, equal to men (thank goodness!), and I'm more than okay with that. I appreciate that Heavenly Father is fair to all of us and made a way for us to complement one another in ways we don't fully understand or perceive. I'm also glad Heavenly Father knows me from you so that He can fairly give me consequences for my actions and not make me pay for the actions of others. (The second Article of Faith explains this concept.) There's nothing worse than a "flock shooting" where I'm reprimanded or punished for the foolishness of others. And you should be grateful you're only held accountable for what you do and not what I do.

It's a wonderfully designed, perfectly handled, correctly managed plan we're living. I, for one, am grateful it's a fair plan that doesn't bow to equality because I am the one and only me. And I like it that way.