Personal Space

Part of my introversion includes a need for personal space. The amount of personal space needed varies on environment and mood. If I'm comfortable with you and we're friends, the amount of personal space needed gets smaller. It's also a fairly small space with family, as long as I'm in a comfortable situation and nobody is being confrontational. 

Here's the thing though. Personal space is not just a perimeter of space around me or my body. It's also about "things" - as in my personal property. For example, one of my nieces lived with us for a time. When she was the only one at home, she would go into my room and look through my things. Weirdly, I'm very observant and know exactly how I left things when I left a room. Because of that, I always knew when someone had been through my things. They were ... different, in a different place, adjusted slightly, etc., and I could tell they had been touched or moved. As a non-confrontational person, I realized the only way to stop the problem with my niece was to address it. When I did, however, she simply denied she'd been in my room. Without any proof (because nobody was home when she would go in my room), it was difficult for Mom and Dad to "punish" her for her actions. And I was left looking like a crazy person.

Similar things have happened since that niece lived with us. People have gone through my cabinets in the bathroom, helped themselves to floss and Q-tips and hair styling products, and rummaged through whatever else they wanted. If you're not an introvert or things like that don't bother you, it's hard to describe the feeling that overcomes you when others intrude in your "personal space." 

It feels like I've been violated. 

That's about the only way I can describe what it feels like. Imagine how you would feel if someone broke into your home and destroyed your things or stole something important to you. That's never happened to be, but I imagine it's a very similar feeling to what I feel when others invade my personal space or go through my things. My necessary "bubble" now has holes popped in it, and I feel like the clean air I once thrived on has turned to muddy sewage, and I'm now drowning in it. 

Seems dramatic, right? Well, unless you've been there, you don't know. 

Now, lest people think I'm just being selfish, I should clarify that if someone needs something and asks me for it, and I have it in my possession, I will 99.999% of the time give it to them to use or have. I find it very polite and thoughtful when someone asks. Even if I don't want to give it to them, I probably would anyway because they were thoughtful and polite enough to ask me for it. 

On the other hand, when people feel entitled or owed or whatever and take/use my things without asking, I feel violated and immediately become defensive. I don't know how else to explain it. I think, however, that it has something to do with being an introvert because I feel very protective of me and my things. After all, a person works hard to buy, gain, get what they have. To have my valuables taken away (or dismissed as being not-so-valuable to someone else) makes me feel as if my hard work, efforts, time, energy, etc. are worthless. Normally, I don't care much about what others think of me, but devaluing my belongings or taking my things feels like a judgment on my opinions and thoughts. 

As another way of explaining it, a nephew recently stayed with us and twice during his stay I found a big chunk removed from my hair product. Since I remove the product in a leveling way (it helps me "measure" how much I have so I know about how long it will last), I knew who had been in my hair product. It wasn't Mom! 

Silly, right? To me it said, "You picked a hair product good enough for me to use, but not good enough that I need to ask you in order to use as much as I want whenever I want." It's not like the product cost a lot or couldn't be replaced, but it is something I have to budget for when considering what items to purchase. I understand with kids and teens that it's more about entitlement. I need it, you have it, therefore it's okay that I use it. Eventually, kids and teens grow out of that phase (we hope!) and realize that working and living paycheck-to-paycheck means you have to budget and someone else using your things puts a kink in your budgetary plans. 

But there are adults who don't care. It's happened plenty of times to me. Because adults should "know better", it's like they're walking all over my personal space not caring what or who they step on. It's like saying I'm worth less rather than worthless. Nobody wants to feel that way. Plus, I don't go to other people's homes and use their things without asking. I know how it makes me feel, and I'd never want someone else to feel that way about me. 

I think the best thing to do is to give me my personal space. Ask before you use something of mine, and never assume using something of mine is okay just because it's not under lock and key. Maybe it's about respect? I don't know, but personal space is important to introverts, especially, and it's good manners to be mindful of others anyway. And that's just one reason why I need my personal space, m'kay?