When I was a kid, I always wanted to go where my mom and dad went. If they were having a Friday night card night with Huffs and Leifsons, I wanted to be there. If they were going on a date, I wanted to go. If there was a trip to the store, I wanted in. It didn't matter where they were going, I wanted to be with them.
It continued as I got older. I loved to have sleepovers with friends, but they worked out best when the friends came to my house. Sometimes I could make it through the night sleeping at Shauna's house (which was just around the corner, and through the backyard fence), but even then I usually sneaked home early to say hi to Dad before he left for work. One particular time, I sneaked home to find the doors locked (Dad forgot to unlock them for me when he got up). Instead of bothering the family by knocking, I waited outside in the front yard on the swing set. I stubbed my toe as I came home that morning and sat with it bleeding and gross until Dad opened the front door for me. He actually brought the Band-Aids and Neosporin outside and fixed me up as I sat on the swing. Once he was done with that and we'd had a hug, I went back over to Shauna's and sneaked back up on to the deck and pretended I'd been there the entire night. I don't know if anyone was the wiser or not, but it was the only way to keep my sanity.
There were other times I had problems, too. I remember sleeping over at my cousin, Kandice's, house one particular night. For whatever reason, I was convinced there would be a fire or a break in or something wrong at my house that I stressed myself out completely. It was around 1:00 a.m. that I finally got the nerve to go into my Uncle Mark and Aunt Laurel's room to ask if they'd take me home. Mom and Dad were probably not too happy about the call in the middle of the night saying I was coming home, but they never said anything to me about it. Mom did take time the next day to reassure me that nothing bad was going to happen to them just because I slept over at a friend's house.
Later, when we have moved homes and I had grown up a little, there were many times my parents were going some place and asked me if I wanted to come. (They were likely so used to having me around it probably felt weird for them to not have me tagging along.) Anyway, I was trying to assert my independence and said that I didn't want to go. They asked again, and I declined. They let me be a "big girl" and left on their own.
I sat on the couch and cried practically the entire time they were gone because I had chosen not to go with them, to be with them, or to spend time with them.
This happened more than once. Much more than once. It went on until I was well into my teens. Pathetic, right?
A psychologist or psychiatrist might say I have abandonment issues. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. What I do know is that I had a fear of losing the people most important to me. When we lost Dad to Parkinson's and Diabetes and a massive stroke, it was awful. But I survived. That was an important lesson to learn at his passing. I still struggle though.
Several years ago, before Dad died, I traveled to the Washington DC are to visit Shauna and her family. It was something like a two-and-a-half week trip. It was totally amazing, and I loved every minute of it! But I was so home sick the whole time. I missed Mom and Dad and Bear. I worried about being killed on the plane ride home. I feared for bad things that might happen to Mom and Dad while I was gone. It was worry and fear over things I couldn't control. How is that rational?
Anyone else have weird things that might be considered "abandonment issues?" I think I'm a healthy, thriving adult with a fairly good grasp on life. Maybe not?
I am not sure who recently said it but a General Authority said “the opposite of faith is fear.” The fear of the unknown, the fear of death, the fear of something is happening is all too prevalent in our society. In the scripture, it conveys that in the latter days men’s hearts will fail them. I remember asking dad about that scripture one day when he and I were working at the shop and he began to describe to me how bad the conditions would get as the time of Christ’s arrival gets nearer and dad went on to say that in essence things would get so bad that someone walking down the street hearing the sounds of rustling leaves would experience fear. While dad stop short of saying their heart would fail them, as I heard him speak I imagined or envisioned someone walking down the streets of 200 North and suddenly the rustling of the leaves overcome him and the look of fear on his face was evident enough for me as I watch the individual suddenly passed away right there and then.
ReplyDeleteI often thought about that over many years and one thing I have learned over and over is that “if you are prepared, you shall not fear;” or “the wicked shall fear but the righteous need not fear.” With that, I have come to the realization that as long as I am doing what is required of me, and mind you that is between me and the Lord and no one else, then I do not need to fear. I will not feel abandon. I can stand strong and firm in the face of adversity at all cost and will still say that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God!
But we’re all human, right? And we must deal with the things that are of most important to us in our lives. I can live and live on, if like Job all my family and friends and everything a possessed abandons me. And just like Job and even the Savior Jesus Christ, it will be okay and the reward will be great.